Kingdom Hearts in 15 Minutes
by EarthboundAngel
Summary: Because some of us don't have time to sit through 40 hours of game play
1. 1

Kingdom Hearts in 15 Minutes

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**Disclaimer:** I do not own KH **or **the "Movies in 15 Minutes" concept. That is property of Cleolinda Jones.

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**Amazing CGI Opening Movie**

We begin the game with a heavily symbol filled opening cgi cut scene to the remixed version of "Simple and Clean". The graphics are all very pretty and such but the actual cut scene itself is quite weird and some are probably regretting dishing out $50 right about now. Our hero, Sora lands on a portrait of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves at the conclusion of the cut scene.

"WAZZZZZ UP?" says a Disembodied voice. Sora doesn't say anything. Disembodied voices apparently talk to him all the time. A Sword, Staff and shield then appear.

"Use the force! And choose one!" says the Disembodied voice Sora chooses the shield

"Sweet. This one kicks ass because it like protects you or something."

The shield disappears and Sora then picks up the sword and then the staff and Disembodied voice explains why they too rock. The floor then shatters and Sora lands on a Cinderella portrait. This too is apparently normal. Lord knows how many times a day I fall through my floor into dark rooms where Disney characters are painted on the floor.

A Shield then appears on Sora's arm.

"FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!" Sora attacks with the shield. "Woot. Now you can like totally protect yourself and stuff."

Shadows then appaear. "HOLY SHIT!" screams the Disembodied Voice. Sora fights them and then they disappear and the more appear. Disembodied voice yells 'behind you!' to Sora and totally sounds like that guy at scary movies who yells at the screen, trying to help the characters.

Sora manages to defeat al the shadows. Yay. He then sees a door. "WTF? Open dammit!"

"It's not supposed to open yet stupid."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because we're 15 minutes into the game."

"Oh. Dur." Sora then sees his friends Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie who are all 14 like him

"WTF?" says all the Final Fantasy X Fans.

He talks to them about what he wants, what he's afraid of, crap like that. They apparently have conversations like this all the time.

" You're afraid of getting old. You want to see rare sights. You want to be number one. Your adventure begins at dawn. As long as the sun is shining, your journey should be a pleasant one," says the Disembodied Voice.

"It does? Fuck yes!"

"The day that you'll open the door is close but far".

"That makes no sense."

"Lot's of things in this game don't make sense. Get used to it".

Now Sora is on a circular Aurora portrait. More shadows appear and Sora fights them yet again.

"The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes."

"No. Really?"

"Shut-up."

Disembodied Voice says some more inspirational crap and then Sora wakes up on a beach.

"The spiders! They want me to tap dance! I don't want to tap dance!"

"You tell those spiders Sora!" says Kairi.


	2. 2

**Some Beach on Some Island Thingy**

"WTF Kairi! You scared the shit outta me!"

"WTF Sora! I knew I'd find you down here being a lazy ass!"

"I wasn't being lazy! I got swallowed up by this big black thing!"

"..."

"Its true dammit!"

"You must have been dreaming".

"No I wasn't! I get swallowed by big things all the time! There is no way I was dreaming!"

"..."

"Well maybe I was. Say all this talk about huge black things swallowing people reminds me: what was your hometown like?"

"HOW MANY GODDAMN TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! I don't remember."

"Nothing?"

"NO! DAMMIT!"

"Not even one tiny thing?

Kairi's eyebrow twitches "No. I'm happy here anyway."

The two talk about how they want to see other worlds and stuff and then Riku shows up. And the fangirls go crazy

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"WTF! Why am the only one working on the raft!"

We learn that the trio is building a raft to go see other worlds. How they expect a wooden raft made by three teenagers to last long in the ocean is beyond me. Later on Sora needs to hunt down some equipment for the raft for Kairi. This includes two logs, one cloth, one rope, and a Wilson Volleyball. Later on the trio talks about the legend of the Papou fruit. If two people share it their destinies become intertwined and they'll be apart of each others lives forever. Or something like that.

**Disney Castle**

At Disney Castle Donald discovers Mickey is gone. "HOLY SHIT! The king is gone! Wake the fuck up Goofy! The king is missing! And don't talk about it in front of the Queen!"

"Good Morning Queen Minnie! By the way your husband is missing."

**Destiny Islands**

Riku and Sora plan to have a race to show how macho and manly they are. The winner gets to share the Papou fruit with Kairi. Its_ obvious_ that neither boy has feelings for the girl. During the race Sora goes to the secret place and a hooded man shows up.

"OMG! It's a ring wraith! You may not have the one ring!"

"I've come to see the door to this world dumbass."

"..."


	3. 3

**Secret Place**

Hooded Guy says some mysterious stuff to Sora and then disappears. Ohhhhhhhhh. Sora and Kairi talk about stuff in the sunset awwww and then we flash back to Disney Castle.

**Disney Castle**

All the main Disney characters are reading over King Mickey's letter.

Donald,

The shit is about the hit the fan and I gotta do something about it. You need to help too or its going to get all Armageddon on our asses. Find the key blade master. Go to Traverse Town with Goofy and talk to Leon.

Peace,

Mickey.

Jiminy Cricket is going to go with Goofy and Donald to document their journey. When they help save the world they're going to want credit for it. Because who is going to believe that a pantless talking duck and walking, talking dog were our saviors without proof? The trio blasts off in their gummy ship. Traverse Town...AWAY!

**Destiny Islands**

Sora is laying in his room when he notices that its storming outside. "OMG! The raft!" He rushes out into the storm because he is a moron. He then sees Riku.

"Where's Kairi?"

"The door has opened."

"Um...k? Am I supposed to understand what the means? WHY IS EVERYONE CONFUSING ME? First Disembodied Voice, and then the ring wraith and now you! What gives?"

"It means we can go to other worlds dipshit. Seriously, why does Kairi choose you over me?"

"Screw that! We need to find Kairi!"

"She's coming with us! God could you be anymore of a moron tonight?"

Blackness suddenly engulfs the pair.

"NOOOOOOOOO! The blackness is back!"

"Boo!" says Disembodied voice. "Oh yeah and KEEEEYBLADE. KEEEEEEEEEEEEYBLADE. SANCTUAAAAAAARY."

The keyblade suddenly appears in Sora's hand. Some other stuff happens. Sora sees Kairi disappear. Yeah.

**Traverse Town**

"Oh SHIT! A star just went out," says Goofy.

"Come one we gotta find Leon."

Suddenly Pluto finds an unconscious Sora and licks his face.

"AHHHHHHHHH! RABIES!"

Sora looks around.

"Where the fuck am I?" He then turns to Pluto. "Do you know where we are? Oh right. You're the dog that can't talk."

Sora explores Traverse Town and deduces he's in another world. He walks into an accessory shop and meets Cid, who can't be his usual vulgar self in this game because it has Disney characters in it.

"Who the flip are you? Get the flip outta my shop! Gosh darn kids!"


	4. 4

**Traverse Town**

After exploring all three districts of TT, Sora meets Leon and Yuffie.

Final Fantasy VIII Fans: "Leon? WTF?"

"WTF? Why did the keyblade choose a kid?" Leon must take a moment to brood and pout. But it doesn't matter cause he's still sexy as hell. "GIVE IT TO ME NOW DAMMIT!"

Sora and Leon fight and Sora collapses.

"HAHAHA Leon you're losing your touch" says Yuffie.

"Psh. Am not. I sooo went easy on him." Leon must defend himself. His manly ego and pride can not be harmed

Meanwhile Goofy and Donald are still searching for the King.

"Where the fuck is he?"

Aerith then shows up. "Excuse me did the king send you?"

Final Fantasy VII Fans "OMG! Aerith is not dead in this game! SQUEEE!"

"No. Of course not. Whatever could have given you that idea?"

**TT Hotel**

Later, Sora wakes up in a hotel room and thinks Kairi is Yuffie. This will eventually result in a plethora of Sora/Yuffie fanfics

"Squall you over did it."

"That's Leon dammit!. LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON!"

"Anyway. Excuse Squall's temper tantrum. He's on his period. We had to take the keyblade from you cause that's how the heartless were tracking you and stuff."

Leon tries to pick up the keyblade and it reappears in Sora's hand.

"HA! Take that it rewind it back bitch! And wtf is a heartless?"

"Those things that attacked you"

"They're attracted to the keyblade and fear it. So they're going to keep coming after you."

"WHAT?"

"Well that sucks for you."

Meanwhile Aerith is explaining to Donald and Goofy about how there is other worlds and stuff. Because apparently they didn't know Traverse Town and Disney Castle weren't the same one. She also tells them about Ansem and how is report on the heartless is scattered across the worlds. Then a heartless soldier shows up and Leon and Sora prepare for a battle. It'll be really hot. Trust me.

After the fight Donald and Goofy see Sora and the keyblade.

"Hey that looks like that keyblade thingy we were looking for!"

"Gawrsh Donald you're right!"

"About damn time we found you. Alright you're coming with us."

"Sure! Even though you're both talking, walking, clothes wearing animals with a talking, singing cricket, I'll go with you! Cause this isn't weirding me out at all. Lets go! Maybe we can find my friends a long the way! Bye Squall!"

"LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON! LEON!"

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I know people are reading this. So if you are I'd appreciate it if you'd please review. Thank you. 


	5. 5

**Dark Hall of Disney Villainy**

All of our favorite Disney villains are sitting around a table at Starbucks drinking coffee and discussing the latest Dan Brown novel, I mean Sora.

"WTF? How the hell did a little punk ass kid like him take down the heartless?" says Hades.

"Its because of the keyblade dumbass! His strength his not his own." says Jafar.

"Lets just get this shit over with and turn him into a heartless." says Ursula.

"And his stupid little friends are the king's stupid little friends." says Captain Hook. He also says some other stuff in pirate lingo about how they look bad or something. I don't know, I can't really decipher it.

"You're not so hot either." Says Oogie Boogie because apparently he can judge on that now. I think he may have been a Miss USA judge.

"Shut-up bitch!

"All of you shut-up! The keyblade chose him. So we just need to wait it out and see what happens. Because only the cool villains wait stuff out. Ok? Ok." says Maleficient.

**Wonderland**

After Sora & Co. get situated, they fly around in their Gummiship until they land in Wonderland.

"Oh fuck me sideways! I'm late," says the white rabbit.

They follow the white rabbit and find they're in the world God created when he was high.

"Damn that doorknob is small," says Sora.

"Did you ever consider the fact that maybe your too big?"

"Holy shit it talks!" Talking animals are clearly no big deal but apparently talking doorknobs are.

"And I was trying to sleep bitches! Thanks for waking me up. Fuck this, I'm going back to sleep."

"WAIT! How do we get small?"

"Try that bottle over there."

The group drink from the bottle and begin an LSD induced trip, I mean grow small.

**Queen's Castle.**

"Court is in session yo!" says the white rabbit.

"Why am I on trial? What in the hell could I have done? I'm the sweetest and most naive Disney character ever!" says Alice.

"You're on trial because you're the culprit because I say so!"

"That's not fair you bitch!"

"Psh. Like I care about fair. So anything to say in your defense?"

"Um. I didn't do it?"

"Not good enough. Off with her head!"

"Hold it right there!" says Sora.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"We know who the real culprit is! It was Colonel Mustard, in the ballroom, with the rope! Wait no. It was the heartless!"

"You got any proof? Bring me proof or I'll cut off all of your heads! And I mean _all_ of your heads."


	6. 6

**Lotus Forest**

Our heros travel into the forest in search of proof to rescue dear Alice. Here they meet everyone's favorite opium smoking Disney character. The Cheshire Cat!

"Hmmm. A cat getting high. You don't see that everyday," says Donald.

"Yo yo yo. What's up? What's up? This is some dope shit yo! Want some? Oh yeah and poor Alice. That bitch is about to be kizziled and she didn't do notin!" says the Cheshire Cat.

"Ummmm. K? So do you know who the culprit is or what?" says Sora.

"You bet your sweet ass I do. But I ain't telling you suckas!"

"Bastard."

Eventually they find the evidence with no help from our doped up friend.

**Queen's Castle**

"Got the evidence?"

"Yes."

"Present it."

Sora presents the evidence but the Queen still doesn't buy it even though it clearly shows that Alice is evidence. Some people just can't admit when they're wrong. Those people suck. Anyway the Queen sends her deck of cards after the group. And I don't think that they're going to be very challenging with their mighty solitaire attacks. Which they weren't because our heroes win. It's good to know that the fate of the world is in the hands of a group that can at least beat an ace of spades. However, during the fight Alice was kidnapped. OH NOES!

**Olympus Coliseum**

Sora & Co. walk into the lobby and find the half coat man Philoctetes. Half coat men are apparently normal too. They tell him that they're real heroes and he doesn't believe them. What an anal jackass.

"But we are real heroes! We've battled evil card decks! And...and..and heartlesses..s!

"Hahaha. Yeah right! You wouldn't last a second in the trials!"

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Sorry for the shortness. But see that blue button in the bottom left hand corner of your screen? It wants you to push it! Do it! Do it! Do it! (Please?) 


	7. 7

**Olympus Coliseum-Outside the Lobby**

"Stuborn old fucker isn't he?" says Hades.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Slow down there bucko! Lemme guess you wanna enter the tournament don't you? Well watch this."

An entry pass magically appears in Sora's hand.

"A pass?"

"No it's a coupon for a free Big Mac at McDonalds. Of course its an entry pass! Well anyway good luck to you kid! I gotta split. See ya around!"

Sora and co go back into the lobby and show Phil the pass.

"What the Jesus! How'd the hell did you get this?"

"We have our ways. We _have_ our ways."

"Hm. Didn't think you were the type to prostitute yourself kid but hey whatever floats your boat. So are you ready for the preliminaries?"

"You bet your hairy ass we are!"

**Arena**

Sora & Co. fight the first group of enemies but that doesn't impress Phil much.

"Psh. You guys are so not heroes yet but I suppose you're not doing _that_ bad."

Suddenly Cloud walks by and stares at Sora & friends as he passes.

"Some real child molesters I mean weirdos signed up for the games. Something tells me he's going to be really hard to beat. Might be because he's 27 and you're 14 but I really don't know," says Phil.

So the group battles the next group and comes out victorious. Of course _now_ Phil starts to kiss their asses.

"Like OMG! You're so better then I thought you were going to be! You guys totally rock! And I wish Hercules could be here to see this because he is such a hero!"

The trio battles more enemies and once again, to everyone's surprise of course, they are victorious. Meanwhile Hades has a nice little chat with everyone's favorite weirdo Cloud.

"Alright that little punk ass kid is your next opponent. Just be sure to take him out."

"Hmph. Some god you are. Afraid of a kid. Look my contract says-"

"I wrote your contract dipshit! Of course I know what it says! You're only _supposed_ to kill Hercules in the tournament but you have to get passed this kid to get to him. And really what's a causality or two along the way."

Cloud says nothing more and leaves.

"Wonder what's up his ass."

The trio battles Cloud and HOLY SHIT they win! But suddenly Cerberus appears! What a twist! Hercules suddenly appears too and tells Phil to get Sora & co out of the arena.


	8. 8

**Lobby of Rash Decisions**

Phil gets the trio safely into the lobby, but because Sora is a dumbass, he decides that they can fight Cereberus. And so the group runs back out onto the battle arena. Phil makes an attempt to stop them. Only not really.

After an intense boss battle, with the giant dog, the trio wins. Amazingly.

"WE MUST PROVE THAT WE ARE REAL HEROES TO THE GOAT MAN!!"

Because apparently, a grown man, and not just any grown man but one with the strength of the GODS, can't beat Cereberus. But a 14 year old, who sounds like he hasn't hit puberty yet, and his animal friends can. Just so ya know.

"OMG!!111 YOU GUYS TOTALLY PWNED CEREBERUS! ROXORZ!"

So the trio leaves the coliseum, after being dubbed only junior heroes by Phil, to find another world. Because anyone can defeat a giant 3 headed dog, but that's not a true hero. Or something.And because Hercules is a man, he admits to Phil that he had Cereberus pretty beat by the time Sora got out there. Because a whole 30 seconds passed between the time Phil and the trio ran into the library, and then the trio ran back out. I'm sure Hercules had plenty of time, WITH an unconscious Cloud on his back, to beat Cereberus. Gods have UBER pride.

Anyway the trio passes Cloud on their way out, who is pouting, I mean being emo.

"I'm so pitiful. I'm looking for someone who may or may not be Aerith and we're just going to call that person my light. And I surrendered myself to the darkness to find light. And it DIDN'T WORK! Wahhhhhhhhh!"

"There, there emo man. You'll find whatever it is you're looking for. Don't you see? There are DISNEY characters in this game, man. It HAS to have a happy-ish ending!"

Anyway now we move on to Hades who is also being emo.

"Damn that Hercules and his Uber prideness! I'll get that Hercules and his little boy friend too!"

Poof! Glinda, good witch of the North, I mean Maleficent appears.

"Hey get your own movie!"

"Whatever."

**Gummyship of Petty Fights**

While flying, to the next world, Donald decides to be a bitch. Sora wants to check out the jungle looking world to look for Riku and Kairi, but Donald won't land. Who's bright idea it was to let him fly the ship is beyond me. After some arguing and accidental button pushing, the gummy ship crash lands in the jungle. Sora gets ejected, cause he wasn't wearing his seatbelt, and lands in a tree house separated from Donald and Goofy. (Gummyships are not advanced enough to beep annoyingly at you if one passenger is not buckled in)

"OW, my head. I am _never_ drinking again! Where am I? Donald! You little bitch! Goofy!"

Some tiger thing suddenly attacks Sora, who is saved by Tarzan.

"OMG! It's George of the Jungle! No wait you're not Brendan Fraiser!"

"Me Tarzan."

"Right."

Sora and Tarzan attempt to communicate with each other, but it just doesn't work. Because Tarzan has the IQ of a caveman.

"You know, I really don't think Geico is easy enough for you to use."


End file.
